Lonely Hearts

Lonely hearts, be lonely no more. Submit your whoopee wants, secret needs, neediest secrets, wildlife desires, porn poems, flash fictions, pen pal letters and any other sweet, sweaty, steamy, comical, contortionist, desperate, anxious, and/or completely unhinged thoughts.

No unreasonable offer will be turned down.


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37 Responses to “Lonely Hearts”
  1. Man of your dreams 9 June 2012 at 2:48 pm #

    Single bachelor seeks sincere lady. I’m the man of dreams. Don’t believe me? I have a beautiful clean-angled house, roomy, high-ceilinged, everything squared, spacious, shiny, flat, lacquered, and wide, and I, inside, part Herculean glittering, part mythical, philosophical he-man, a creature no woman could refuse, just picture it, I am cooking shrimp Mozambique with coconut milk, cayenne pepper and West African chili and you come in, wearing one of those playful aperitif thronged panties, with the window I’ve seen in nudy magazines, we’re hot and sweaty, tumbling down in a flurry of slurp, boner, juice and squish, slacks and shirts collapsing like AU parachutes, and then I say I love you…. too good to be true? Try me why don’t you?


  2. Slinky Minky 9 June 2012 at 2:48 pm #

    Full-blown slinky, volupt, volupt, maxi-momo minky sex kitten with wit like a vixen and no panties flaxen goatee beaver available for fore-plays rumpus-pod agog snogging sessions and giant stream-puff genital crimes? Are the hot-squirmer meant just for me? Send a photograph!


  3. Command & control 9 June 2012 at 2:50 pm #

    Lonely ex-military man seeks adventurous playmate for bedroom guerrilla war re-enactments. I’m loaded. I have a factory in the Congo where I manufacture blood diamonds. I wear only Louis Vuitton with a smattering of close-to-surface-blood wrist deodorant. It holds my ego together while I defraud the system. I’m a Muslim-Hindu-Christian, an expert marksman with an eye for fashion. I manufacture ladies lingerie in the Emirates and play golf with African presidents. I designed Brother Leader’s military regalia (for the African Heads of State summit in Addis Ababa) and patented the wearable telemarketed Basotho blanket. In essence: I have “command and control” presence. I’m rich, emotionally crippled, a media mogul who moonlights as a suicide bomber. Can you dig it? Only serious applications will be considered.


  4. Primitive Princess 18 June 2012 at 3:50 pm #

    My name is Beauty and I am an indigenous princess full of primitive energy. I am well-endowed and well-educated, specialising in matrimonial mineral geology and seeking a business partner. I have that African zest and ample buttocks. I combine a personal tradition of chastity with a keen interest in the kama sutra. I wear only a little leather loin-skin inside our mansion, only the finest European fashions outside. I cook naked. I supervise as many servants as your money can buy. I hold my liquor, and I can hold your liquor too. I do like savage when you want, like tribal when you like, like modern when you need. Let my good looks meet your bad money, honey. Call me for exotic long-term loving xxx

  5. AMFAS 18 June 2012 at 5:06 pm #

    Real men RIP. No more. No more! No more, no more? I have a moustache, a 34 inch waist, body hair (just the right amount), a body made from hard work, and a mind trained by life itself. I own a farm, drive a tractor, fly a mid-size crop-duster and for fun, I herd pigs and ride raging bulls. In my spare time I hunt wild man-eating leopards and learn Serbo-Croat. Looking for the same.

  6. Need a virgin killing machine bad 18 June 2012 at 5:13 pm #

    Help wanted: Young father of traditional family of appr. 7 million seeks
    compassionate yet stern babysitters with advanced fighter-pilot training
    to nurture and mould his loved ones who are becoming like so *totally*
    ungrateful. Lesbo-flexible a plus; commitment to third-world liberation,
    my favourite shade of lipstick (Guerlain KissKiss) and assault rifles a
    must. Benefits include authentic Bedouin accommodation and motorized
    lingerie. Category – strictly short term. Termination is apt to be
    imminent and multitudinous. THIS IS AN EXCELLENT OPENING FOR THE RIGHT VIRGIN.

    • Need a virgin killing machine bad 18 June 2012 at 5:16 pm #

      Please note that as of 20 October 2011, this ad is no longer valid. PMS makes no guarantee that the advertiser is capable of fulfilling any/all promises/requests as made in the previously published offer because according to news reports the advertiser in fact is not currently alive.

  7. Shallow One 20 June 2012 at 10:27 am #

    So I might try to pretend that I’m just lonely but otherwise totally normal, but to be totally honest, I’m alone and posting here mostly through my own doing. I’m righteously bad at relationships, clingy and vain, yet utterly terrified of real closeness or intimacy, like seriously crazy. On top of that, I’m incredibly picky. I like to pretend that i’m not and that I’m totally cool with normal guys, but frankly, I probably will only sleep with you if you’re taller than 6’2″ and have a PhD. I’m just that shallow. The only thing that lends me any depth is the fear that people wouldn’t like me if they knew how cruel and judgmental I actually am. On the bright side though I am young and not hideous.

    • Sir 5 September 2012 at 12:56 pm #

      You actually sound really interesting. I experienced a pang of regret at reading your desires and not being able to fulfill them. But that’s just me, without a PhD, and a lot shorter than 6.2. Bye.

  8. The Romantic Existential Guy 20 June 2012 at 10:29 am #

    I am a man, of that I am sure, by gender at least, biologically at least, but is that right and how can I be so sure? Do the women who fascinate me not in some way subsume me, do they not live in my mind when no longer in direct proximity and in that way are they not unlike the stuff of fiction, those fancy teasing figments dappled on the page? And is there a woman, could there ever be a woman, just one, whose beauty would enthrall me, whose discernment would spark and instruct and embolden me into being the best man I can be?

  9. Yogi Hottie 20 June 2012 at 10:31 am #

    Be you a talker, thinker, druggie, or god-freak…

    I am 25, woman, in Cape Town (choose your own adventure):

    a) Sustaining moderate addictions and typical ambitions, chronically self impressed and insecure, seeking ambivalent conversationalist.

    b) Indistinguishable except by scars, seeking near sighted theologian.

    c) Under-read writer distracted by healthy living and easily convinced by loud, charismatic men. Seeking dull addict or philosopher.

    d) Yoga teacher with smoking habit, will teach for cigarettes, gin and quarterly publications.

    e) Overly assertive, susceptible to guilt, depression and pop songs. Seeking waif with sailboat.

  10. MAIL-ORDER FRENCH WOMAN! 20 June 2012 at 10:35 am #

    Preppy woman, 47, based in France seeks an American gentleman in South Africa—50s or 60s, democrat, easygoing, warm, sweet, reliable, loves culture (especially art, painting, books, museums, exhibitions, classical music, socializing, humor, simplicity, honesty, democracy, curiosity). My objective is love, dual citizenship and to share my life with you.

  11. Black is White is White is Black 20 June 2012 at 10:38 am #

    Slightly oxymoronic, although, only because I seek balanced asymmetry. I only like black because white is my favorite and therefore its diametric opposite highlights its beauty. Delicate spice. Musical silence. Intense comfort. Free time. Might I challenge you to a crossword sometime?

  12. Presidential 20 July 2012 at 5:50 pm #

    Sawubona babe.

    You see me, I’m big. I have a big isibaya eNkandla. A house with a police station. A bus station. A train station. A flymachine station.

    I got money. You want money? I am money.
    I love eating onebar chocolate. Eleven o’clock rooibos tea, no tea bags. I take two sweetners. I’m mos diabetic, chronic diabetic like my friend Selebi. Shame. I miss my friend. Poor Jackie.

    Don’t call me, I’m spying on you as we speak. Say yebo baba.

    Love baba presidential suite

  13. Louella 21 July 2012 at 5:44 am #

    Dearest XX,

    Our cat left. I buried his suitcase under tulip bulbs, the ones you bought last winter. I didn’t say a prayer, he never struck me as the religious type. I’ll be wearing black until you return.


  14. That Girl 25 July 2012 at 6:01 am #

    For This Guy: Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Miss you. Hate you. Writing here is cheaper than going to a psychiatrist.

  15. Jerrod Marasco 18 August 2012 at 5:37 pm #

    This is getting a bit more subjective, but I prefer the Zune Marketplace.

  16. Me 1 September 2012 at 7:23 pm #

    Desperately Seeking Susan. That’s all.

  17. zozo 10 September 2012 at 2:12 am #

    swelling inside

    i think i’m



    blackwards.. to

    indigo dreams, dipped in

    flowers of gold

    clouds of strawberried cream

    showering pink arrowed stars

    shining for eternity



    into night

  18. Eugene Dlamini 8 October 2013 at 5:59 pm #

    I need a sugamama with lots of money to pay for my studies and in exchange for some fun and other activities. Call me +26876604887 or email me dlaminieugene007@gmail.com and get to know me.

  19. Alex&r 18 June 2015 at 6:45 am #

    Just a small size black machine looking for a handler, so sweet and hippy. Money in favour of me punching your wait area. Independent women most welcome.

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      So that’s the case? Quite a reelvation that is.

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    • tolo.ro 7 November 2016 at 1:59 am #

      Un poco subrealista Almaty,un circo,osos en una fuente pública,bailarines de hip-hop…seguro que no te aburres,solo falta un cura dando patadas a una pelota.Que buenas las fotos!!!ánimo Fabián y gracias por llevarnos!!!!!…y ahora a por China S.A,la empresa más grande del universo.Tu voto: 0  0

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