The African Renaissance Hoer-o-scopes for Politicians

Whatever will be, will be: the future is not ours to see. Welcome to your horror-scope, as excavated from the vaults of the person formerly known as the cultural terrorist Zebulon Dread. PMS is thrilled to present this extract from the never-published Hei Voetsek! Issue No. 10. Come one, come all, and be culturally terrorised like you were back in the 1990s.

 

ARIES

These next few years will be extremely revealing as you will be shown to be the fraud you actually are. Your best bet at survival is not a crash course in intelligence, because frankly, you weren’t born with it, but rather a quiet visit to the Xhosa sangomas where you must plead forgiveness from ‘the ancestors for being so stupid and pledge to sacrifice no! not a cow, you idiot, they are worshipped by the Indians and you don’t want to be seen upsetting those chilli munchers-another politician, preferably one of the top leaders in order to free yourself from the curse of dumbness that is your future motherland. After such a sacrifice you’ll be richly endowed with potent fuckability that wil1 make your hell seem like heaven. Thank you, my son!

 

TAURUS

Due to the incessant corruption you’ve engaged in, your economic future looks bright and shiny. Your wife is happy and no longer screws other politicians but is content to share her thrush with you and you alone. Yebo, why do you think you’ve been itching so much in the penis? Tjin, sometimes you can be so stupid wena! Ga! Your bright sun will assuredly dim when you are caught out and sent to jail where arse hungry butch queers will wash your anus with vigour. The funny thing is that you will become extremely happy and marry one of them because you’ll finally be able to emerge from the homophobic closet where you’ve been hiding all these years.

 

GEMINI

You are the absolute curse of humanity with your indecisiveness. Your dual personalities have ensured that you have one foot in your mouth and the other up your anus. There is not much relief ahead for you because even if there was, you’ll just turn it into mushy soup with all the mental machinations you attach to sanity. You’ll be much better off lobotomised. Your general unthinking attitude has landed you in oceans of shit but you still do not learn because you’re factually simply too anal regressive and have moved so far up the arse-licking anus, that you can’t get out I predict that you’ll die in the shit. The unfortunate thing is that, for you, that might just be a pleasurable thing! Ughhh!

 

CANCER

A very appropriate sign for you because you are nothing but a cancer on the face of South Africa. Your domestic life is as woeful as your political aspirations. You simply don’t know when to say no! No means no! You cannot continue sitting in your office and accept favours from both sides of the sexual curtain while doing the Clinton with cigars, dildo’s and those thick carotene filled carrots. Calling your deviousness organic dissemination is really asking for it. You are a blight, a curse, a travesty of justice to justice. Soon you will be caught out and your feigned look of embarrassment will not save you from a hellish future as you cascade into the darkness of your hitherto hidden hypocrisy. Bastard!

 

LEO

Inherently a dictator, your roar is actually worse than your bite. If given the chance, you’ll drive everyone into your understanding of how things should be done. You are the epitome of darkness hanging in the background awaiting your opportunity to pounce and devour the enemy. That’s actually what you do best. Devour. Your bloodied chest and fangs are without doubt sharpened against detractors but you must know that a pack of hyena’s can chase anyone lion up the tree. There are many hyena’s around you, simply waiting for the time that you’ll get chased and then they’ll have a good laugh at your fall. Arrogance does not maketh the politician.

 

VIRGO

This is a favourable phase for manipulating social activities so that you might enjoy the cringing of the snivelling rats who are your superiors. Cast yourself in the limelight and organise an activity where they’ll be shown to be the stupid motherfucken dumb arses that they are. You are, according to your massive ego, simply by far superior to them in intelligence, wit, looks, charm, ability and potential. Actually, you are one of the most deluded, egotistical, flatulent, self righteous, creepy, wilful and quietly destructive motherfuckers that exist. Overly critical and hugely kak endowed, you have a permanent superiority complex which, if you want my advice, you’d do well to bring under control before frankly, my dear, you get devoured by the many worms you call your intelligence.

 

LIBRA

Plan your shit way ahead of time because you’ve reached a junction where you might just become functional as a worthwhile human being. Your inevitable procrastinations seem like some semblance of intelligence at work, but you know that you’re simply stalling out of fear of making mistakes. Those who advance are not afraid of making mistakes or admitting when they have done so. Your lily livered fear and Oedipus complex is highly irritating and you can only get away with this for so long before someone realises that you are a nitwit. Now listen up, you mommy’s boy/girl, you are an individual, a person, a human. Stop snivelling, you damnable rat and get on with things. God, I don’t know who voted for you!! Fok!!

 

SCORPIO

That sting has long gone out of your tail, and all that remains is the poison chalice called your tongue. You cannot rubbish everyone like that and expect people to like you. You are undoubtedly the most disliked human in your personal sphere hence you need that backbite to sting people when they’re not looking. You have done this too many times and should be aware that the baboon is still your mortal enemy. The other baboons in your social sphere are planning their revenge and you will be severely compromised when they leak documents proving your many faults. Your best bet is to go on a charm offensive. For some reasons you have some fatal attraction so go and help those fat aunties in your office to go astray by giving them what they’re desperate for and then simply blackmail the bitches. In this way you are sure to survive. A luta continua …… !

 

SAGITTARIUS

Bold experiments are recommended now. Push your self into the limelight while POLITICAL PROVIDENCE favours your endeavours. You are the possible saviour the nation has been waiting for but you must be careful to not reveal your secrets. Make sure that all your potential enemies are taken care of one way or another and seriously stop masturbating. Losing your semen makes you weak and flatulent apart from ruining your hand and eye speed co-ordination. You go boy/girl. You go. Politics is a short career so make the best of it. Steal, rape, pillage, take, stake and stay awake. You could be dead very soon!

 

CAPRICORN

Devote unswerving attention to your ambitions. Do not let anyone or anything stand in the way of your advancement. You are the star in the firmament if you can stop all those meteors from erupting around you. Control the pus seeping from your mouth in the name of political speeches and you might well be the next opposition leader. Make notes because your forgetfulness will be your Achilles heel. Remember names, places and people because frankly, if you don’t, you too will be easily forgotten as the swarm of time engulfs you in the mediocrity that sits waiting to swamp you. Siestog! Anne ding! Ambition must be made of very stem stuff, or else! ! !!!

 

AQUARIUS

Fish is generally a rather smelly entity and you certainly have that odious stench around you from a long career in politics. You stick around like lice on a profitable sucker and swim the waters, even sewerage channels, in search of delicacies. There is so much drivel surrounding you that you should survive for a very long time but just be careful of biting off too much that you can chew. No one will be around to perform the Heinrich manoeuvre should you choke on the effluent you live off. My friend, change your diet or die! You are not, and I emphasise not, the dawning of the Age of Aquarius in politics! Good God, no!!

 

PISCES

It’s time to pray for your political career will soon be over. You might get much more out of life if you should turn to meditation but frankly, I don’t know if that will help. You are by nature a miserable wretch who does not get much out of life and hence rape the company of others for some semblance of hap-penis! Happiness cannot be found in genitalia where so much piss flows from. Being Pisces you really don’ t have to drink anything that flows, you know. Your drinking problems stem from insecurity and will only be remedied once you go to Zululand and drink some of the local brews that will make you vomit and retch so much that you’ll be glad forever. Actually I don’t want to waste any more time on you.

 

Want more Zeb? Elsewhere on PMS visit Zebulon Dread a.k.a Swami Sitaram at home or read about Hei Voetsek! in the Chimurenga Library.

 

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